A Monologue In Cynicism, Faith, Happiness, Honesty, and Sadness
Dedicated to somebody I knew.
"There is no happiness. There are only moments of happiness."
- Unknown
Your telling him did affect him - goodly or badly is not relevant. It sure was "right" for him to know as soon as possible, but he could've done with one more day of oblivious perceived happiness. True happiness is what most people strive for. Perceived happiness is what they get. We live our lives with compromises, so a little perceived happiness would've been worthwhile.
"Idealism is what precedes experience. Cynicism is what follows."
- David T. Wolf
You needn't offer explanations to me (or to him). It doesn't concern you. No mortal is powerful enough to make another grieve or rejoice: we do "it" to ourselves. Therefore, you shouldn't get credit for making somebody miserable. Even if you are capable of creating conditions for somebody being unhappy, they are equipped enough to "undo" that. It may be difficult, though. From this perspective, you could have handled it better. I suggest that you stop worrying or thinking about this if you can.
"I will not listen to reason. Reason always means what someone else has to say."
- Elizabeth Cleghorn Gaskell
"Guys" have similar feelings and other emotional paraphernalia as girls. People differ in their emotional configuration regardless of their sex. To categorize is to be dispassionate, to say the least. Why do you need all this justification anyway? Why are you affected?
Ah, me.
You don't have to understand me. The statement is so clichéd.
I don't think we (you or I) are so shallow that a week's lack of communication will render us friendless. No.
Even when I was "friends" with you, I kept telling you to go home early and sleep, didn't I? It's good for you to keep a reasonable schedule most of the time. Good.
So often our lives are driven by what (we think that) others think, what others might think, what others say, what they might say, and so on. Since we have very little control over what others think, we keep thrashing. You know, like disk thrashing. We modify our behavior (at least outwardly) and hope that people think "better". They don't (and never will). We modify it again. This keeps on. We thrash. We spend so many precious mental cycles in trying to make this work. If one has to care about presumptions, it is least pernicious to care about one's own.
The strongest convictions are the ones which stand unshaken in isolation. I think that's when a conviction is vulnerable. Why should you need people to reinforce your convictions? Most people I know are their weakest when they are isolated. It's scary. Therefore we, as humans, always want people: be it for support or attack - whatever. If people attack our beliefs, we are alarmed, but nonetheless happy (subconsciously) that somebody cares about them. If people support our convictions, we gloat.
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
What is it but not ego if one is bothered by people's opinions on one's beliefs? What is it but not ego if one is affected by how others "see" them. Ego is so vain. But then you already understand this.
"People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do."
- Unknown
Ego?
You say you have to "prove to people"? You have to?
"You are no bigger than the things that annoy you."
- Jerry Bundsen
If you have good reason to believe in certain things, and the belief does you good (hopefully more than just perceived moral strength and ego manipulation), believe so strongly that everything else fades to oblivion. "People" can be the most powerful things to potentially affect you. With the right mind-set, however, they can be no more than benign catalysts.
Beliefs are hard to change. They needn't be changed without good reason. They are easier to accommodate, though.
You are obsessed with beliefs. Yours. Other people's. Mine. I don't have a belief that if I talk to you for long enough, you will change your mind. Change your mind into what? Change your mind into doing what? Why would I want that to happen anyway? Minds hardly change - they evolve. I didn't want to change your beliefs, ever. I don't. Cooperating (yet conflicting) beliefs can coexist, you know.
I think it's better to be obsessed with the content of beliefs, rather than the concept of belief.
Being friends with someone and caring for them are not necessarily overlapping things. If I care about you, what business is that of yours? The person I care about and the person who is/was friends with me are not the same. One is exasperating, and I have to draw all my mental energy just to keep up with society's notion of friendship. I have to live through a thousand clichés, which is often excruciating. The other is a wonderfully fascinating person. I am totally at ease with this person. This is the person I care about - want to be with. Association with this person does not necessitate reciprocation, which means that I can care about this person without dealing with the other person.
Unfortunately, the other person is the user interface - always in the way. The user interface subdues the person I care about.
Frustration can be very frustrating. You shouldn't talk to me then. If I'm still alive when you've made sure that what everybody in the world "thinks" is as per your liking, we'll "talk".
A man is known by the company he keeps.
A man is known by the company he avoids.
People claim things: beliefs, morality, virtues, vices ... Mostly it boils down to ego. It's the same with him. It's the same with me, and yes, it is the same with you. Regardless of the religious rifts, everybody is the same when seen this way.
Whenever I use strong words, like "ego", connotational alarms go off in people's minds.
Yet again, I suggest stop worrying. You are contradictory, and stupid. So am I. You are good enough to see this for yourself, though. So am I, I hope. There's no problem here.
"The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one."
- Joan Baez
I am not so encumbered with getting a perfect score on everybody's evaluation scale (not anymore, I hope). Life is certainly more rewarding and meaningful than having everybody else believe the "right" thing about you. It must be so hard to keep track of vibes and feedback from everybody else, then modify behavior appropriately and keep doing this over and over again. It's so painful to know this. Beyond a certain point, this is an inappropriate obsession.
"I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the effort of liking them."
- Jane Austen
You shouldn't have needed to make conscious efforts, or be conscious of, anything. Why don't you let [God|Life|Fate|Destiny] decide things for a change. Anything here's not so abominable that it's ripping your life apart. The outcome might be more interesting and meaningful sometimes if you don't make efforts for or against. So don't. Have faith in your Faith. If I agree not to make efforts for something, why can you not agree to make efforts against it? Never mind.
"Why torture yourself when life will do it for you?"
- Laura Walker
Making you sad is not on my TODO list. It never will be. I am saddened if I ever made you sad.
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
- William Blake
I do not wish to contradict you. I do not wish to prove you wrong. I do not wish to change your mind. You are not any more wrong than I am. Will you ever understand this? Motivation implies intention: if you get one wrong, you'll get the other horribly wrong. Duh. If I were ever to try to change you, I'd let you know. Then you can tell me to stop, and I will. If you keep thinking that I'm "operating" on several planes, it'll not make you any happier, or things any better.
Does honesty suck? Why does everything suck when I try to be honest?
It boils down to two things if you can trust me.
- Don't care jack about what people say or think. It's not worth it.
- I'll never push you into believing or disbelieving anything.
Talk is cheap, and I've talked enough.
Still, you can be mean to me, feigned or otherwise, to your heart's content. If you think it helps you, it's worth it. Honestly.
"There is only one thing about which I am certain, and that is that there is very little about which one can be certain."Your fiend.
- W. Somerset Maugham